So, I’m only writing this because it’s probably time for another update. I’m not sure what I’ll talk about since most of the time I just make things up as I go along, but I read someone else’s blog post and I suppose it’s time for me to also do an update, even though it’s been barely a month since my last one.
I don’t even know why I am writing this. I didn’t want to write it because I don’t know, I thought maybe these deep dark secrets might come back to haunt me, whether or not I actually do fulfill the life I imagined for myself.
But I guess it’s not good to bottle it up. So I’m writing it because I know I should talk about it.
Home is where the dark thoughts are.
It’s quieter here. I know this place, I grew up in this place — well, mostly. I have so many memories here that it’s hard to escape the haunting times when you lay in bed at night, staring at the ceiling and listening to the cars drive by because you can’t sleep.
Remember when I said I was over it?
But then I also said I missed her.
I’m just all sorts of contradictions right now.
Do you ever just look at your shadow and feel every single molecule of your body just give in to nothingness, to the point where you almost deflate and become one with the void?
Yeah, I guess not. I don’t know what I’m talking about, either.
I’m rather conflicted as I write this, even though I have, what I like to consider, more important things to do than face this issue.
But after some ‘mindfulness’ experiments during tutorial sessions of my class of Reading as a Writer, an old issue came back to haunt me.
In the dead of night, when there is nothing else around me other than darkness and the quiet rumbling of the air conditioner above me, thoughts I try to push to the back of my mind during the day crawl out to haunt me as I lay on my bed.
Recently, I’ve been feeling rather depressed.
I’m not going to go ahead and self-diagnose myself, but that is the only thing I could think of that fits my symptoms. When I list them out, as well, other people seem to come to the conclusion that it might be depression.
For once, the lyrics I’m listening to actually match what I’m trying to write.
I don’t know if I talked about her before, though I’m at least 67% sure that I have. She’s part of my life and has been multiple turning points.
I speak only from the experience I have from purchasing from LiveNation/FanFire’s work with Pentatonix.